VENTING!!! Probably regret this post....This post has details many may not like :)

I'm going to start off by saying: If you can't say nuffin nice don't say nuffin at all. I'm not doing this to make people feel sorry for me or send me love notes. I'm doing it for me. I want to let out how i feel so it's not all bottled up inside anymore and i want to let you know who i am and where i come from when i say... Hi I'm coya and i don't like me.
So I'll probably regret putting this up but i have a lot on my mind and i can't sleep and strangely neither can tiny. I have been getting pretty down lately. Which is totally normal since the beginning of things. Most of you know but maybe not all. Ever since puberty i knew something was different with me. I was always very little and very skinny when i was a girl. As soon as six grade hit i got chunky... not horrible but i wasn't a stick like what should be in my jeans. All through high school i battled with my weight. Now that i look back i didn't look that bad but i thought so. I battled it even to the point where i would go for a long time without eating and still no weight loss. I felt horrible inside emotionally. On the outside i showed confidence but on the inside i had no self esteem whatsoever. The only thing i had was my voice and I'm not gonna lie most of the time i liked that about me :) Which sadly i don't even have that anymore. no really i can't sing anymore at all. I had only one or two periods my whole Jr high and high school career, but i didn't really care cause i hated them anyways. Well when i graduated i decided to get it checked out and what do you know it was a problem. I was diagnosed with a hormonal imbalance called PCOS or Polycystic ovarian syndrome. Which basically boils down to not having enough estrogen and instead of ovulating and releasing eggs, the follicles they are supposed come from turn into cysts which sometimes rupture which is excruciatingly painful. Come to find out many of my issues growing up were because of this. Every woman with pcos has different symptoms but a few of mine included. Weight problems, excess facial hair, ovarian cysts, low self esteem, hair loss, acne, cramping, among many other things. I was put on birth control and actually lost weight and the acne. I was happier. Then when i got married and we decided to try for children it got worse. I knew i would have a hard time getting pregnant most women with pcos don't get pregnant. As soon as i went off birth control and went on fertility drugs i gained 30 pounds almost instantly. It was hard but i was handling it. I kept saying i don't mind the weight gain if i had a reason to look pregnant. It took a year of treatments but we were so excited when it did happen. Overall in the pregnancy i gained 80pds! although 30 of it came off the day i had her because i was so dang swollen. I love Mady and am so glad that i have her but she really messed me up. :) I found a site tonight for women with pcos and it's nice to see that other women feel exactly like i do. it would be so nice to be able to have a friend who knows how i feel and what I'm going through. If i thought i had issues in high school it is a million times worse now. I don't even recognize myself. I'm absolutely disgusted by what i see in the mirror. I'm sixty pounds overweight and i feel it. I have been trying since i have had mady to lose weight. the facial hair is back and i love the comments of "ew gross that is on your face i thought it was a stray hair." I don't even like to go outside my apartment because i feel like a freak. i don't like to go anywhere alone or without Mady so i can say I'm not just fat cause I'm lazy. I feel like everyone is staring at me thinking wow she is big. And don't get me started on seeing people i haven't seen for a few years! I'm scared of what the future holds. diabetes, ovarian cancer, high blood pressure among many things women with pcos tend to get. and i fear a million times more that Mady or if i have any other girls with have to go through the same thing as me or worse. and ahead of time i apologize with all my heart if you do. i feel alone a lot of the time because i don't know anybody i can relate to. people tell me just eat right and exercise and you will lose weight. I have tried everything but have never seen results and it's not all about weight either. i feel like I'm not even a woman. I get hormonal migraines practically every day. i feel ugly and try being sexy when you feel like a hairy male whale. :) haha Hair growing quickly everywhere it shouldn't and falling out where it should be. There is no way i could ever feel sexy... not so good on the marriage. we have been trying to get pregnant again for about half a year now. I'm so sick of all the hot flashes mood swings among a million other things. And the worst part is our expenses. We are stuck in life right now, not in college, not moving on. in less than a year our savings went from 10,000 to 3,000 and continue to go down. We spent one whole paycheck in one week with two doctors visits. i want to stop trying and stop spending money on it but I'm afraid it won't ever happen again. I'm scared that since I'm so overweight having another baby will make me even bigger and i will get diabetes. Don't scoff it is extremely possible and likely. i keep trying to exercise but i think what is the point of working my butt off and getting my hopes up if i don't lose a pound? i know this is just a pity party and you didn't have to read it. I already feel better letting it out. I don't have anyone to relate to. My own mom was even lucky enough not to have to deal with it. that bugs me because it is genetic so where in heck did i get it from. I know that everyone has their trials and this is mine but i kinda wish it was an outside deformation of some sort because I'm sure people look at me and see nothing wrong when on the inside I'm in pain, crying, and being eaten inside out. I'm not depressed i suffer from a disease that there is no cure for and I'm trying to learn to like myself the way i am. It is a long road but i know with love of family, friends, and the Lord i can get through anything. If anyone actually reads this who has PCOS please let me know because right now... i need a friend. I'm gonna try and sleep now hopefully Mady decides to as well. Night all :)