Sorry this post is a little deppressing so if you don't feel like getting down in the dumps with me don't read this...
I have been thinking about my life lately the past couple weeks. Don't get me wrong i am truely blessed for what i do have. A loving family, a careing and hardworking husband. And a healthy and absolutely beautiful little girl who i just want to squeeze because i can't possibley fathom how i could have such a wonderful little baby. The thing that seems to be missing in my life is me. I've changed and i don't neccesarily like what i see in the mirror. I'm not just talking about on the outside either. Although i don't like what i see there. I used to look in the mirror and see a beautiful young girl who loves life and most of the time herself. Yet now the only thing i have is hatred. I would see mothers with their kids in grubby clothes and no makeup and i'd say i will never be like that i want my husband to always think i am beautiful. But i have become that way. I see no point to getting all "prettied up" because even when i do i still cry when i look in a mirror. Who could look at this face? i am currently 50 pounds more than what i was when john and i first got married. I have two outfits that fit and only because my mother bought them for me. I were grubby clothes because that is all i have. I don't put on makeup because i feel ugly without or with it. I'm fat my tummy looks like grandma skin. whats the point? Nothing fits and no matter how much i excersice and starve myself i don't loose wieght. Where have i gone?
I used to stay up late at night writing songs. Listening to my ipod singing at the top of my lungs. Singing in my room till my family told me to shut up. The only time i sing now is in church leading the music because i have to. And it absolutely embarrasess me. Its not that i don't sound as good as i used to but that i truely cannot sing at all. My voice just dissapears. I screech and squeal when it reaches out of alto range. I've lost one of the most important things to me in my life. I've lost myself. How can i teach my daughter to have cofidence when i don't have any myself? i may sound like i'm having a woe is me party and im sorry but i just don't see how this could have happened. i sang better when i was two than i do now. I go through the motions of each day with no purpose for myself. I've emerged myself into my daughter and my husband and lost myself along the way. I know i am truely blessed for what i do have and i couldn't ask for more except maybe.... just maybe.. a little me.
