Sorry this post is a little deppressing so if you don't feel like getting down in the dumps with me don't read this...
I have been thinking about my life lately the past couple weeks. Don't get me wrong i am truely blessed for what i do have. A loving family, a careing and hardworking husband. And a healthy and absolutely beautiful little girl who i just want to squeeze because i can't possibley fathom how i could have such a wonderful little baby. The thing that seems to be missing in my life is me. I've changed and i don't neccesarily like what i see in the mirror. I'm not just talking about on the outside either. Although i don't like what i see there. I used to look in the mirror and see a beautiful young girl who loves life and most of the time herself. Yet now the only thing i have is hatred. I would see mothers with their kids in grubby clothes and no makeup and i'd say i will never be like that i want my husband to always think i am beautiful. But i have become that way. I see no point to getting all "prettied up" because even when i do i still cry when i look in a mirror. Who could look at this face? i am currently 50 pounds more than what i was when john and i first got married. I have two outfits that fit and only because my mother bought them for me. I were grubby clothes because that is all i have. I don't put on makeup because i feel ugly without or with it. I'm fat my tummy looks like grandma skin. whats the point? Nothing fits and no matter how much i excersice and starve myself i don't loose wieght. Where have i gone?
I used to stay up late at night writing songs. Listening to my ipod singing at the top of my lungs. Singing in my room till my family told me to shut up. The only time i sing now is in church leading the music because i have to. And it absolutely embarrasess me. Its not that i don't sound as good as i used to but that i truely cannot sing at all. My voice just dissapears. I screech and squeal when it reaches out of alto range. I've lost one of the most important things to me in my life. I've lost myself. How can i teach my daughter to have cofidence when i don't have any myself? i may sound like i'm having a woe is me party and im sorry but i just don't see how this could have happened. i sang better when i was two than i do now. I go through the motions of each day with no purpose for myself. I've emerged myself into my daughter and my husband and lost myself along the way. I know i am truely blessed for what i do have and i couldn't ask for more except maybe.... just maybe.. a little me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Coya, I am John's cousin Kali. I have met you a few times and found your blog off of Camille's. Your facebook status got me curious as to why you are so sad. I must tell you that you are not alone. When I was pregnant with Kenzi I tipped the scales at 202 lbs which is a lot for my height. But it was after I had her that I felt a lot like how you do now. I still have the stretchy grandma skin on my stomach. I was told that when you breastfeed the fat will just melt off of you. Well that was not the case for me. I gained weight. Eventually I hit a point where I had had it with myself. I had to do something. I joined weight watchers and that was a turning point for me. Now, I am not telling you that you need to go and join weight watchers because I think you are a beautiful girl and look great how you are. But it doesn't matter what I think or what anyone else thinks. It matters what YOU think. I just wanted to offer my empathy (I say empathy because what you wrote is exactly how I felt about myself). I know you didn't ask for my advice and probably just wanted a listening ear, but I will tell you that it did help me to find something that I was good at and that I enjoyed doing that helped me find myself again. For me it was finding that I could complete a triathlon by myself. That one thing built up confidence in me that I lacked in high school. I am more confident now than I ever was and I sincerely believe you will find yourself again. My prayers are with you and your family as you are struggling right now.
ReplyDeleteCoya-
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely beautiful and such a great mother. I can't say that I completely understand what you're going through, because obviously I'm not there yet- but maybe I can offer a little help. Try finding a hobby- something YOU love to do by yourself. Ask John to give you an hour a day- or even an hour a week to do YOU. Or have a girls day/night. You have so many people who love you like crazy and would LOVE to take Mady off your hands for you to find some "me" time.
thanks guys just to let anyone who has read this know i'm not depressed! i'm just letting out all my feelings and if you are going to freak out don't read this i did it for me.
ReplyDeleteHey coya!!!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the first girl who commented. I agree with her on the fact that you probably just want a listening ear.. but, we all love you and want to help! I know that it is easier to say things than do them. However, this is what I have to say!! Do NOT give up!!! You will find yourself again!! It is going to be hard to loose the weight but it is also not going to just come off. I know you know this but, I just want to tell you to not give up!!! Make this point in your life a motivator to loose the weight that you want to and to find yourself again!! I am sure that John would be willing to help you by watching little Mady for a while so that you can do something for you! Even if it is just to walk around somewhere and think over what you want in life!! Also pray for help!! I am also sure that Mady would not mind if you sing around the house... you have a beautiful voice and you just need to exercise those vocal chords! I know that I do not know much about singing but if you sing around the house even just for your pleasure I bet you would be able to start getting back into it. I wish I could be there just down the stairs to help out! To go on a walk with you or just talk with you since I am all alone in this house all day it would be fun for both of us! Since I am not this is the advice that I can give you! Just don't give up! Whenever I have been down about something I get angry with myself and say "That is it... I am doing something about this" It is much easier said than done. But, let this motivate you to keep on pursuing your desires!! You WILL be you again.. this is just one of those rough patches in the road!!! Also I think that it is good to get things off your chest! If you just keep it bottled up that does not do anything for you or the people who want to help! :-) I know this is super long but, I hope you can read it knowing that I love you and I know that you can do it!!! "Just Keep Swimming!!" :-)
hehe kristen i love you! i really wish you guys still lived downstairs! i hate that i won't see you till probably after you have your little precious! you said just what needed to be said thanks :) i miss you guys so much! i've never been away from family members this long and it's horrible i don't know why people would ever want to do it permanetly (however that is spelled) :) i tried to sing today... its so funny whenever i do mady joins in she can be totally silent but when i start singing she does too :) too cute haha :)
ReplyDeleteI LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!! I was just thinking the other day how I missed singing beside you in church. I got roped into singing with the cedar ridge choir yesterday while we visited...haha so awkward. I will always think you have a beautiful voice. I personally can tell that you have lost weight. You were look great when I last saw you. I can't offer encouragement for weight loss because I have about 20 pounds to lose before I am back to my pre-marriage weight and it is refusing to budge. Here is my suggestion: Find something that makes you happy. Also, find something active to do that is also fun and not torture. I HATE running, but if I were to go for a walk or turn on some music and dance while I am home alone, I don't feel like I am exercising at all. It is hard to balance life. Between cooking, cleaning, and family time, there isn't much energy left. Pick up a new book or two, or draw some pictures :) just a few minutes a day will make you feel less stressed. Lastly, I always feel better when I get ready and take the time to put on makeup or primp my hair. I don't always feel 100% satisfied, but it is much better (although not more comfortable) then sweats and a ponytail. Remember that I love you and I think you are amazing!! You have qualities and characteristics that I could only hope to have :)
ReplyDeleteHi sis. You are still little. :)
ReplyDeleteCoya.
ReplyDeleteWell I'm not really sure that I have anything to add to this, it seems to have all been said, and I agree 100% with everything writen today. and I also don't fully know what you are going through, but I do know partly what you are going through...married life is a lot different than single life. my "advice" so to say, and take it for what it's worth.....let's have a GIRLS ONLY night at least once a month, even if it's on a saturday afternoon...you could either bring mady or ask your hubs or mom to watch the cutie...whatever you are feeling. we don't have to even go 'out' we are ALWAYS welcome to come to my house and do potluck or something! also, join my craft club! it's so much fun and it keeps it all about 'you'{and it gets you out of the house, and makes you get dressed.}. I just hope that you know we are all here for you, even just to listen! let me know what you think about my ideas. and again, take this comment for what it's worth to you. i'm not trying to pretend like I have all thee answers. cause I don't but I do care and hope you feel better soon! love you!
{Megs}
stacie! i miss you lets get together!
ReplyDeletethanks relly i didn't know you had a blog! :) i added you now :) megs that sounds awesome i'd love to have a girls night or day anytime!! :) i'm in If at least once a week too but i'll come down some other time too :) just text me when you are free! :)
Hey there! I noticed yesterday that you had become a follower of my blog and so I came over to see yours (which is cute, by the way!) and saw this post. I just want to say - I don't know you all that well, but I think you are gorgeous! I absolutely loved your talk in church yesterday - I thought you had such great insights. And truly, I think you are beautiful. I am sorry that it is a rough time - I think all big transitions are hard. (Well, they are for me anyway....) Good luck! I will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't it feel great to just spill your guts? I appreciate your post. It's nice to know that my people are sharing their frustrations and not keeping them to themselves. You're wonderful! And I totally know how you feel. And I'm pretty sure I'm going to experience the post-baby part of it, too. And even before when I had gained weight I felt the same way. I had no clue how I'd gotten where I had. But the important thing is to be happy with yourself, however that happens. Sure do love you! :)
ReplyDeleteCoya-
ReplyDeleteThis is Rachel Meynders...a fellow bellingham amigo! Jenn my sister is room mates w/ Sarah and she said you guys had a blog and so I found you!
I have totally been there girl. People say these are the best times of you life, and they are...but so stink'n hard some times. Can I share a few things I learned dealing with the same stuff?
put make up on, wear jewlery, and do your hair. Even if you do not plan an leaving the house...it REALLY makes a difference on the whole outlook for the day.I had the same deal, no clothes fitting, go the walmart, buy two cute shirts and a scarf. it goes a long way.
Sing. you have been blessed with a voice. even if its only singing along to the radio for one song a day, do it. maybe it will remind you how talented you really are? and then you might want to do more?
get out of the house. be busy and distract yourself. which, I know can be hard especially in the arctic idaho:)
remember things take time, it takes time to loose weight, to get life back to 'normal' so dont be too hard on yourself. so much easier said than done but you can do it. you are worth it, and you are not alone.