"Glory Days"

Sorry this post is a little deppressing so if you don't feel like getting down in the dumps with me don't read this...

I have been thinking about my life lately the past couple weeks. Don't get me wrong i am truely blessed for what i do have. A loving family, a careing and hardworking husband. And a healthy and absolutely beautiful little girl who i just want to squeeze because i can't possibley fathom how i could have such a wonderful little baby. The thing that seems to be missing in my life is me. I've changed and i don't neccesarily like what i see in the mirror. I'm not just talking about on the outside either. Although i don't like what i see there. I used to look in the mirror and see a beautiful young girl who loves life and most of the time herself. Yet now the only thing i have is hatred. I would see mothers with their kids in grubby clothes and no makeup and i'd say i will never be like that i want my husband to always think i am beautiful. But i have become that way. I see no point to getting all "prettied up" because even when i do i still cry when i look in a mirror. Who could look at this face? i am currently 50 pounds more than what i was when john and i first got married. I have two outfits that fit and only because my mother bought them for me. I were grubby clothes because that is all i have. I don't put on makeup because i feel ugly without or with it. I'm fat my tummy looks like grandma skin. whats the point? Nothing fits and no matter how much i excersice and starve myself i don't loose wieght. Where have i gone?
I used to stay up late at night writing songs. Listening to my ipod singing at the top of my lungs. Singing in my room till my family told me to shut up. The only time i sing now is in church leading the music because i have to. And it absolutely embarrasess me. Its not that i don't sound as good as i used to but that i truely cannot sing at all. My voice just dissapears. I screech and squeal when it reaches out of alto range. I've lost one of the most important things to me in my life. I've lost myself. How can i teach my daughter to have cofidence when i don't have any myself? i may sound like i'm having a woe is me party and im sorry but i just don't see how this could have happened. i sang better when i was two than i do now. I go through the motions of each day with no purpose for myself. I've emerged myself into my daughter and my husband and lost myself along the way. I know i am truely blessed for what i do have and i couldn't ask for more except maybe.... just maybe.. a little me.

well i'm still excersising and dieting and am in a rutt... sadly hopefulley i will lose more soon. Since it is halfway through the month i will share with you all my meal plan to remind me what i did because we are still doing good with not spending anymore money on groceries. Although do keep in mind that i have somewhat of a stocked pantry of flour sugar, cream of chicken soup, salt all the basics. If this works out you all can try it and save as much money as i hope we will. Keep in mind we also spend ten or so bucks a week or every other week on a date so the meals aren't everyday but with leftovers and stuff its probably 6/7 days which i'd say is really good, because when i was 9 months pregnant or when we had just had madylena we ate out like 4/7 days of the week. so here we go.
1rst- ate at family's
2nd- still at family's
3rdnd-ate dinner at a freinds birthday party
4th- take and bake pizza for football game night
5th- turkey broccolli cassarole- leftover turkey and brocolli from christmas
6th-cowboyhash with two leftover potatos frozen corn and left over roast from last month
7th- Ham and heavenly potatoes made from bought deli ham and leftover potato from cowboy hash.
8th- leftovers
9th- date night went out for mexican
10th-hamburgers(keep a stock of hamburger in the freezer)
11th-Home made toquitos from leftover roast in freezer from last month
12th- leftovers today was laundry day in IF
13th- made home made pizza for lunch used leftover hamburger and toppings
14th- today... we are having home made mac and cheese topped with bacon and broccoli for a veggie. This using the leftover bacon and cheese from sunday.

Well that is where i'm at this is mostly for me to remember but if you want to use it you can i can even give ya a grocery list for the month if you want it :) haha well i'm off to go make some meals to put in the freezer so i don't have to cook this weekend :) lovyall

The past while....

Well christmas has come and gone and what a blast it was :) i think this year was the best year for the sole fact that i had the joy of my life in it this year... although john is a joy in my life i'm talking about my beautiful little girl. I'm so blessed to have been able to get pregnant let alone be blessed with a healthy and beautiful baby. She now has two teeth and one on the way... i still think three teeth at five months is crazy but oh well. I sure ate well this christmas and have decided to Majorly diet and excersice I have lost five pounds so far only 45 more left to go. It sure is nice to see john more this semester but i'm hoping the stress of not having enough money for even rent won't cause problems. ALthough i'm quite proud of myself. I planned ahead for meals and spent 100 on groceries. My goal is to make it last all month. So far i have made turkey broccoli cassorole, cowboy hash, heavenly potatoes and ham, and potatoe bars... all this from leftovers using no groceries yet and i should be able to make about 26 more meals on the groceries i bought. If i do this i deserve major props from all and if i don't get it i'll give it to myself :) hehe i'm trying to save money or find some insurance so i can get on a better pill to regulate my hormones and help me lose weight also i have major neck problems and migraines at least 4-5 times a week and it is horrible! so wish me luck :) hope you all have a great weekend. i always find i have wonderful things to write when it is 12 o clock and i'm in bed so i think about it forever and try to remember it to blog in the morning but i never ever remember so this is what you are left with haha sorry :)

An epiphany

my friends i have just had an epiphany... in light of the christmas season i have made a discovery of great sorts. As I was ice skating out to our mailbox (for instead of snow it iced this year), i was thinking of how wonderful christmas is and how much i enjoy it. I was out getting our mail at 9:30 at night and i have realized that i really love getting the mail. Granted i hate the actual act of going down and up three flights of stairs braving many different kind of weather conditions but i really do love to get mail. As i said as i thought of christmas i realized why i like getting the mail so much. I am a kid at heart and quite a greedy one at that. Opening the mail makes me feel like i am opening a present. So however many letters i have i love to open them and find the suprise inside :) So if anyone would like to send me a letter or even an envelope with something crazy inside, it would bring great joy and suprise to me. If you are the same way as i am then i will gladly recipricate the favor :) hope everyone's Christmas shopping is going well :)

Let it snow let it snow let it snow :)

Mady likes to pose for pictures a little more now adays :) she is so beautiful :) I find myself being very giddy this time of year especially when i spend time with family or when i sit by a fire or a portable heater in my case and watch the snow fall slowly past my window. i don't really know what it is about this time of year but it makes me feel like i do when I'm in Disneyland (although that hasn't happened for a while). Anyways i have decided that my life is a little dull although i may not think so :) we have watched a new movie every night we had free time this week. The first of them being Julie and Julia and i absolutely loved it. And it has quite inspired me. I have decided (if finances willing) which i doubt they will but I'm going to try to cook my way through a cookbook of my choice and i will not skip any recipe or change it. This will force me to try and cook new things and try new things as well :) and guess what? you get to read every detail and experience i have with it... aren't you excited? granted there are about only 4 people who may read my blog but it's mostly for me so ya.... :) well we will see how it goes :) have a merry snowy Sunday :)

A little of late...

SO this may be a long one... I meant to write earlier but then i made the mistake of reading Stacie's blog... and it made me all nervouse... she is way to talented at writing blog i think you should make it your profession :) well anyways. This is what hase been going on with us...
John: John is always gone now adays. He works sunday night from 2-10 then has school at 11-2. at least i get that evening with him. He is gone tuesday and wednesday from 10-2 and then works from 3-11:30. There is about one week left of school and i can't wait! he is trying to quite his job and find a new one so he can have better hours. We will be taking a pay cut but i am willing to clip coupons for food if it means i get more time with him! :) John graduates in april and we couldn't be happier:)
Me: I don't have too much new. just sick of being fat so i'm excersicing (Its so hard i can't even spell it!) and loving up on my little tiny girl. Cooking for my husband when he is home and starting on mady's baby book. I'm totally ready for christmas and can't be any more excited! I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! :) too bad my husband won't be with me for a bit of it. John will be going to his house in washinton without me and mady for a few days after christmas. I don't want to take mady because flying is a horrible option if i want to keep a healthy little one. ANd i would drive but it is a dangerous drive in the snow not to mention 14 hours with a girl who hates to be in a car. So we will all go down in the summer. John isn't too happy i'm not going and i'm sad he won't be with me but i'm a overprotective mother and my baby isn't even 6 months old yet! next year...
Madylena: HOly cow i never knew someone so small could grow so fast! she will finally take a bottle every once in a while and loves to eat like a big girl in her high chair. SHe loves squash, and whip cream and i'm sure anthing else i will give her. We will try more and more :) SHe loves to talk and scream :)she entertains anyone around her :)... she loves to roll around and is so close to rolling over onto her tummy! :) i'm pretty sure she is teething because she drools like crazy and bites anything and everything she can get her hands on... so fun :)she will finally go down for a nap without us rocking her and sometimes sleeps really good at night. When it's dads turn at night she sleeps almost clear through but when it's mommas turn she decides to be up all night... i guess it will be dads turn every night :) hehe
I'm loving the snow and love the christmas season hope you all are having a good week!

wish we brought the GPS :)

This last weekend four generations went to utah together. It was so much fun! we left friday and went to gateway to shop then dinner then straight to the condo. Watched a movie and went to bed then woke up early the next morning to go to the outlets at park city! it snowed all day! it was crazy but fun :)we got lost a couple of times because we couln't decide who was right... of course i was :) hehe but we would have had more time to shop if we had brought the GPS :) On thursday me and john are going back to the condo i hope Mady doesn't get too exhausted with driving she was already sick of it when we were coming home :)